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Hear Me Out
Ive read these blogs and this site for a few months but its the first time ive written anything, i just really need to vent and want someone to listen to what im going through. Im in the most complicated situation i can imagine and i dont know how to deal with it. I'm not at all the typical person you'd think youd find on this website. I'm 19 years old, go to a fairly large american university in the midwest, and im part of a top-rated frat at my school. I've considered myself bi since freshman year of high school and sure Ive had a few guy crushes over the years but Ive lived the straightest of straight lives and had numerous crushes on girls. If you knew me you'd never think i was bi or anything, i play sports, party with my boys, flirt up lots of pretty girls, and live in an environment thats not really open to this. I dont even consider myself a super open minded person, to be honest and I dont mean to offend anyone on here im not really a big fan of gay culture and i find flamboyant gay people to be kind of annoying. I have beautiful girls throwing themselves at me on a nightly basis and Ive had sex with double digits in the girl category. Im about 5'10". skinny, blond hair, not to be conceited but i consider myself pretty damn good looking. Never done a thing with a guy. My liking of both guys and girls hadnt turned into a problem i had managed it well up to this point and assumed id grow out of it
My best friend for the last year plus (hes about my size, brown hair, gorgeous eyes, funniest and most charming person ive ever met) Id literally had no feelings for, zero tension whatsoever, id thought he was handsome and what not but he was just my best friend and everything was fine, until last september when we flew down to disney world and i dont know if it was the magical setting or whatever but when we were walking around epcot at night it just clicked for me and it hit me then and there, i was completely in love with my best friend... seriously out of nowhere i went from a completely platonic relationship with him, to being SO sexually attracted to him and completely in love with his personality and everything about him. Since that day its driving me crazy because i know he is straighter than straight, hooks up with girls all the time, makes fun of gay people, etc. Every time he tells me about whatever girl he got with, or ditches me when were at a bar to go hit on girls, it just gets me really sad and depressed. As much as I tell myself i cant be thinking things like this about my best friend and know it to be true everytime im around him if i even look at him or hear someone say his name it sends a shiver through my entire body. Lately its getting to the point that i cant even act like my normal self around him and i cant tell whether or not hes starting to pick up on me acting weird but i feel like he is. I understand that in all likelyhood nothing will ever happen between us, but hes just so charming and lovable and beautiful that every time i see him i fall back in love again... as i said the mere mention of his name sends a chill down my spine, when im waiting for him to respond to text messages (it could literally be about where we wanna go for dinner) i wait with anticipation like im waiting to hear if i won the lottery or not. A month ago we were having a real heart to heart conversation (not anything sexual) and when we were finished we watched on-demand and he just happens to put on an episode of american dad where the football players son comes out to his dad. The whole episode i noticed he kept looking over at me to see how i was reacting. When it ended neither of us said a word i just walked out of his room and was like night man and went home. It's ruining my relationship with my best friend but i cant help it, its just how i feel. Given the social stigma of being in a frat i know i cant just straight up tell my friends how i feel, they would never treat me the same way again, and its not because theyre evil its just the way it goes. Not that they'd even stop being friends with me, thats not the case, I'd just lose my status in their eyes as one of the "guys" and id forever have an asterisk next to my name. My friend already pretty much avoids the handful of outed-kids in the frat like they have a disease.
Im left with two options. I could not say anything and keep going on, but the last week or two its just becoming too much to take i cant go five seconds without thinking of the kid. I cant sleep at night because all i want is for him to be there next to me. All i want is to just hold onto him and tell him exactly how i feel but i know that if i do that he'll probably never want to talk to me again and Ill lose my best friend. It wouldn't just be me telling him im bi, it would be me telling him im in love with him and cant get him off my mind and want him both personally and sexually. Its just hard to come to terms with the fact that hes completely straight because other than sexual stuff, he is perfect. Since the day it all clicked and i realized how i felt about him i really havent had any interest in girls anymore, its pretty much known that i havent done anything with a girl in the last six or seven months. I dont know what to think, I eventually want to grow up and get married to a girl and have a family, but for now I just cant think about anyone but him.
I've never brought any of this up to a soul, not even on the web. I just dont know how to handle this and maybe venting on here will release a bit of stress. Im around him every day and every time it gets more stressful and harder for me to hold back. ill be sittin next to him on my couch watching tv and i have to constantly remind myself i cant just jump on him whenever i want to. I go to bed at night with him on my mind and wake up every morning to the sad realization that it was just a dream and im the only one in my bed. I read the recent blogs on here about guys who were friends with someone for awhile and had a crush on them and they find out that person feels the exact same way, and i get jealous and would give anything for that to be me. Any advice would be great, thanks for listening to my latenight ramblings
My best friend for the last year plus (hes about my size, brown hair, gorgeous eyes, funniest and most charming person ive ever met) Id literally had no feelings for, zero tension whatsoever, id thought he was handsome and what not but he was just my best friend and everything was fine, until last september when we flew down to disney world and i dont know if it was the magical setting or whatever but when we were walking around epcot at night it just clicked for me and it hit me then and there, i was completely in love with my best friend... seriously out of nowhere i went from a completely platonic relationship with him, to being SO sexually attracted to him and completely in love with his personality and everything about him. Since that day its driving me crazy because i know he is straighter than straight, hooks up with girls all the time, makes fun of gay people, etc. Every time he tells me about whatever girl he got with, or ditches me when were at a bar to go hit on girls, it just gets me really sad and depressed. As much as I tell myself i cant be thinking things like this about my best friend and know it to be true everytime im around him if i even look at him or hear someone say his name it sends a shiver through my entire body. Lately its getting to the point that i cant even act like my normal self around him and i cant tell whether or not hes starting to pick up on me acting weird but i feel like he is. I understand that in all likelyhood nothing will ever happen between us, but hes just so charming and lovable and beautiful that every time i see him i fall back in love again... as i said the mere mention of his name sends a chill down my spine, when im waiting for him to respond to text messages (it could literally be about where we wanna go for dinner) i wait with anticipation like im waiting to hear if i won the lottery or not. A month ago we were having a real heart to heart conversation (not anything sexual) and when we were finished we watched on-demand and he just happens to put on an episode of american dad where the football players son comes out to his dad. The whole episode i noticed he kept looking over at me to see how i was reacting. When it ended neither of us said a word i just walked out of his room and was like night man and went home. It's ruining my relationship with my best friend but i cant help it, its just how i feel. Given the social stigma of being in a frat i know i cant just straight up tell my friends how i feel, they would never treat me the same way again, and its not because theyre evil its just the way it goes. Not that they'd even stop being friends with me, thats not the case, I'd just lose my status in their eyes as one of the "guys" and id forever have an asterisk next to my name. My friend already pretty much avoids the handful of outed-kids in the frat like they have a disease.
Im left with two options. I could not say anything and keep going on, but the last week or two its just becoming too much to take i cant go five seconds without thinking of the kid. I cant sleep at night because all i want is for him to be there next to me. All i want is to just hold onto him and tell him exactly how i feel but i know that if i do that he'll probably never want to talk to me again and Ill lose my best friend. It wouldn't just be me telling him im bi, it would be me telling him im in love with him and cant get him off my mind and want him both personally and sexually. Its just hard to come to terms with the fact that hes completely straight because other than sexual stuff, he is perfect. Since the day it all clicked and i realized how i felt about him i really havent had any interest in girls anymore, its pretty much known that i havent done anything with a girl in the last six or seven months. I dont know what to think, I eventually want to grow up and get married to a girl and have a family, but for now I just cant think about anyone but him.
I've never brought any of this up to a soul, not even on the web. I just dont know how to handle this and maybe venting on here will release a bit of stress. Im around him every day and every time it gets more stressful and harder for me to hold back. ill be sittin next to him on my couch watching tv and i have to constantly remind myself i cant just jump on him whenever i want to. I go to bed at night with him on my mind and wake up every morning to the sad realization that it was just a dream and im the only one in my bed. I read the recent blogs on here about guys who were friends with someone for awhile and had a crush on them and they find out that person feels the exact same way, and i get jealous and would give anything for that to be me. Any advice would be great, thanks for listening to my latenight ramblings
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