's Blogs
Say you love somebody... and mean it.
I was thinking recently about the people in my life, and those who aren't there now.
people always say how much they regretted not saying something before it was too late.
I cant remember ever being told I was loved as a child, maybe it happened, but it was mot something I remember, and believe me I have tried .. You see it on a present sometimes ... with love from... never was told to my face. The first person who I told loved had killed himself two years later. We tried to be happy , secretly.. and I know we were! Times were hard for gay people then, in fact near impossible. people were attacked all the time. he could face living that life of fear and denial.
Shortly after that several people I knew died suddenly, a boy from the house over the road killed himself, we think he was gay, another crashed his motorbike, another leuchemia... I came to know that life is fragile, its here one moment and then gone, just like that, doesnt matter how old you are.
If I had children (not much chance) I would tell them how much I love them - all the time. And prove it. I know my folks were from difficult backgrounds and they dont express emotion much at all.. maybe thats why they couldn't tell me. But its made it harder for me to deal with emotional situations, like when my friend/lover killed himself and left me alone I couldn't say I was hurting becaue it was both secret and terrifying at the same time. Thats why i couldn't be me.. and come out - for so long.
I tell my partner "I love you" quite a lot now.. still could be more, but I am getting better at it.
I tried to tell myself Dont be afraid to love just because you can get hurt (if it goes wrong or you are left alone). All the years of bullying and fear of dicovery plus the suppressed emotions and grief came out unexpectedly and for a while i was quite nihilistic and angry but never knew why. Now I get flashbacks from when i was younger still, really intence sometimes never nice... allways fear and guilt and pain.
This is what happens when love is denied, i couldn't process the emotions so i locked them away for years. Became withdrawn and shy , quiet and reluctant to try new things for a while.
It took several years, some big shocks, like beingpenniless and homeless in London and later getting a serious desease that took five years to recover partialy from to shake me out of my shell, and realise that life is what you make it for yourself. make it happier?
When I decided to come out I unlocked the last obstacle that was holding back the flood. Both the good and the bad all came out.
Here I am now four months later, still very happy plus flashbacks and love and questions (which is good)
Dont be afraid to love, and saying it could even make it happen. If You knew how hard it is for me to talk about these things then you would know how important it is to say it. "i love you"
people always say how much they regretted not saying something before it was too late.
I cant remember ever being told I was loved as a child, maybe it happened, but it was mot something I remember, and believe me I have tried .. You see it on a present sometimes ... with love from... never was told to my face. The first person who I told loved had killed himself two years later. We tried to be happy , secretly.. and I know we were! Times were hard for gay people then, in fact near impossible. people were attacked all the time. he could face living that life of fear and denial.
Shortly after that several people I knew died suddenly, a boy from the house over the road killed himself, we think he was gay, another crashed his motorbike, another leuchemia... I came to know that life is fragile, its here one moment and then gone, just like that, doesnt matter how old you are.
If I had children (not much chance) I would tell them how much I love them - all the time. And prove it. I know my folks were from difficult backgrounds and they dont express emotion much at all.. maybe thats why they couldn't tell me. But its made it harder for me to deal with emotional situations, like when my friend/lover killed himself and left me alone I couldn't say I was hurting becaue it was both secret and terrifying at the same time. Thats why i couldn't be me.. and come out - for so long.
I tell my partner "I love you" quite a lot now.. still could be more, but I am getting better at it.
I tried to tell myself Dont be afraid to love just because you can get hurt (if it goes wrong or you are left alone). All the years of bullying and fear of dicovery plus the suppressed emotions and grief came out unexpectedly and for a while i was quite nihilistic and angry but never knew why. Now I get flashbacks from when i was younger still, really intence sometimes never nice... allways fear and guilt and pain.
This is what happens when love is denied, i couldn't process the emotions so i locked them away for years. Became withdrawn and shy , quiet and reluctant to try new things for a while.
It took several years, some big shocks, like beingpenniless and homeless in London and later getting a serious desease that took five years to recover partialy from to shake me out of my shell, and realise that life is what you make it for yourself. make it happier?
When I decided to come out I unlocked the last obstacle that was holding back the flood. Both the good and the bad all came out.
Here I am now four months later, still very happy plus flashbacks and love and questions (which is good)
Dont be afraid to love, and saying it could even make it happen. If You knew how hard it is for me to talk about these things then you would know how important it is to say it. "i love you"
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