Send Message to k19k91
my story so far
hey everyone,
I've decided to write out my life so far to help me put things in perspective, and to see if anyone else has a similar story to tell.
i was born in California and was living there until i was 10. so far i had had a fairly normal life, apart from my father who was(and still is) a pill popper. so for most of my child hood he was just laying in bed never really there, but i had a loving and caring mother, as well as my younger sister and many cousins.
i was raised in a christian family and was very sheltered, at the age of 10 my family and i moved out to Wisconsin to be closer to my dads side of the family. when i turned 13 i looked at porn for the first time(like i said very sheltered), it's kind of funny looking back, i was so naive that when i went online i went to ask Jeeves and thought i had to actually ask him a question so i put in 'what is sex'. at the time i hadn't even been given the birds and the bees talk, the only things i herd about sex before that was that that's where baby's come from(from sex-ed in school), and that having sex before marriage, and being gay where sins against god(from my parents), so when i typed in 'what is sex' of course it led straight to porn sites. so intrigued i started looking at the pics and clicking on links until the screen popped up with two men together. i realized almost instantly that this was causing a reaction in me that i didn't feel in the other sites.
after a few minutes of looking at the men it dawned on me that this was what my parents meant by gay. immediately i felt ashamed of what i was looking at and how it made me feel so i exited the window(and deleted the internet memory). the next day at school no matter how hard i tried i couldn't stop noticing all the boys around me. i noticed that i was especially fond of the boys that where thin like i was...so after a few months of not being able to stop feeling attracted to the other boys i decided the best thing i could do is make myself unattractive to them. i even started to lie to myself saying that i was going through a phase in life and that god would help me through it.
so by the age of 15 i had stopped doing any of the physical activity's i loved to do outside, and spiraled into a depression that i'm only now starting to overcome, i put on a lot of weight, and stopped caring for my physical appearance all together.
at the age of 18 i was 5ft 10in and was 280 pounds. by 19 6ft even 303 pounds. i had been to multiple therapist both from schools when i was younger and from my parents when i started homeschooling(i had asked to be home schooled because of social anxiety), but i was always afraid of telling them why i was depressed fearing that the therapist would tell my parents, so seeing no progress my parents stopped making me go.
about two months ago i moved from eau claire to green bay(about 3hrs away). i now live with a family that has been like a second family to me, they are much more open minded and have no religious standings. the person i consider a second mom is a type of person to always ask questions about peoples beliefs, and when she asked about my religions views on homosexuality i found myself stumbling over my own words. after a few conversations with her i slowly began to realize that maybe i don't need to suppress who i am. one week ago i started to let myself accept who i am, and four days ago i joined this site finding a ton of helpful loving people. since last week i have started to slowly lift myself up from the depressed state i was in for over 5 years and have already began to loose weight and feel good about myself(oddly enough without any thought or effort on my part to do so). i am currently in the process of writing a letter to my second mom to both tell her about me and to let her know just how much she has help me. it's a work in progress and i'm not sure when I'll be giving her the letter but I'll post again on here when i do and tell everyone how it went...but in the mean time i would like to thank everyone on here for making this such a great place to chat(even tho it is a porn site and not what i was expecting to find on here lol)
I've decided to write out my life so far to help me put things in perspective, and to see if anyone else has a similar story to tell.
i was born in California and was living there until i was 10. so far i had had a fairly normal life, apart from my father who was(and still is) a pill popper. so for most of my child hood he was just laying in bed never really there, but i had a loving and caring mother, as well as my younger sister and many cousins.
i was raised in a christian family and was very sheltered, at the age of 10 my family and i moved out to Wisconsin to be closer to my dads side of the family. when i turned 13 i looked at porn for the first time(like i said very sheltered), it's kind of funny looking back, i was so naive that when i went online i went to ask Jeeves and thought i had to actually ask him a question so i put in 'what is sex'. at the time i hadn't even been given the birds and the bees talk, the only things i herd about sex before that was that that's where baby's come from(from sex-ed in school), and that having sex before marriage, and being gay where sins against god(from my parents), so when i typed in 'what is sex' of course it led straight to porn sites. so intrigued i started looking at the pics and clicking on links until the screen popped up with two men together. i realized almost instantly that this was causing a reaction in me that i didn't feel in the other sites.
after a few minutes of looking at the men it dawned on me that this was what my parents meant by gay. immediately i felt ashamed of what i was looking at and how it made me feel so i exited the window(and deleted the internet memory). the next day at school no matter how hard i tried i couldn't stop noticing all the boys around me. i noticed that i was especially fond of the boys that where thin like i was...so after a few months of not being able to stop feeling attracted to the other boys i decided the best thing i could do is make myself unattractive to them. i even started to lie to myself saying that i was going through a phase in life and that god would help me through it.
so by the age of 15 i had stopped doing any of the physical activity's i loved to do outside, and spiraled into a depression that i'm only now starting to overcome, i put on a lot of weight, and stopped caring for my physical appearance all together.
at the age of 18 i was 5ft 10in and was 280 pounds. by 19 6ft even 303 pounds. i had been to multiple therapist both from schools when i was younger and from my parents when i started homeschooling(i had asked to be home schooled because of social anxiety), but i was always afraid of telling them why i was depressed fearing that the therapist would tell my parents, so seeing no progress my parents stopped making me go.
about two months ago i moved from eau claire to green bay(about 3hrs away). i now live with a family that has been like a second family to me, they are much more open minded and have no religious standings. the person i consider a second mom is a type of person to always ask questions about peoples beliefs, and when she asked about my religions views on homosexuality i found myself stumbling over my own words. after a few conversations with her i slowly began to realize that maybe i don't need to suppress who i am. one week ago i started to let myself accept who i am, and four days ago i joined this site finding a ton of helpful loving people. since last week i have started to slowly lift myself up from the depressed state i was in for over 5 years and have already began to loose weight and feel good about myself(oddly enough without any thought or effort on my part to do so). i am currently in the process of writing a letter to my second mom to both tell her about me and to let her know just how much she has help me. it's a work in progress and i'm not sure when I'll be giving her the letter but I'll post again on here when i do and tell everyone how it went...but in the mean time i would like to thank everyone on here for making this such a great place to chat(even tho it is a porn site and not what i was expecting to find on here lol)
My true story is a little different but to some extent not totally. I am 58 yrs old, married for 26 yrs to a frigid woman. We have one 20 yr old Autistic son. I have honestly loved looking at boys ever since 5th grade. I was able to connect with a couple of school mates during junior high, but that was all. My single parent mother (dad died early on) was very INTOLERANT of anything other than "normalcy" so I have been in the closet forever. The marriage seemed like the "right thing to do" at the time and I have regreted it since almost immed. after the ceremony.
I know what I want, now I just have to see if I can find the courage to leave the lie and move out of the closet into the world I want. Complicating things are the fact that I had prostate cancer and now have ED with a barely 4 1/2" penis. Can things really get much worse?
from Bangkok to Hollywood Hills :) hugs BSB
This is a safe and for the most part a loving and caring community. Those of us that are older, besides admiring the younger physiques also are here to provide whatever wisdom we have learned on our on journey. You will quickly learn who the caring people are. They will reach out to you. And you can reach out to them.
You are a brave and from the sound of your blog and mature young man. Enjoy your journey in life. Good things will happen for you.
If you need a friend. I am here.
Thomas
if i can give u any advice just message me...and good luck!
Russ...