k19k91's Blogs

my story so far

k19k91 Blog Last Activity 11 years ago 615 views 12 comments
hey everyone,

I've decided to write out my life so far to help me put things in perspective, and to see if anyone else has a similar story to tell.

i was born in California and was living there until i was 10. so far i had had a fairly normal life, apart from my father who was(and still is) a pill popper. so for most of my child hood he was just laying in bed never really there, but i had a loving and caring mother, as well as my younger sister and many cousins.

i was raised in a christian family and was very sheltered, at the age of 10 my family and i moved out to Wisconsin to be closer to my dads side of the family. when i turned 13 i looked at porn for the first time(like i said very sheltered), it's kind of funny looking back, i was so naive that when i went online i went to ask Jeeves and thought i had to actually ask him a question so i put in 'what is sex'. at the time i hadn't even been given the birds and the bees talk, the only things i herd about sex before that was that that's where baby's come from(from sex-ed in school), and that having sex before marriage, and being gay where sins against god(from my parents), so when i typed in 'what is sex' of course it led straight to porn sites. so intrigued i started looking at the pics and clicking on links until the screen popped up with two men together. i realized almost instantly that this was causing a reaction in me that i didn't feel in the other sites.

after a few minutes of looking at the men it dawned on me that this was what my parents meant by gay. immediately i felt ashamed of what i was looking at and how it made me feel so i exited the window(and deleted the internet memory). the next day at school no matter how hard i tried i couldn't stop noticing all the boys around me. i noticed that i was especially fond of the boys that where thin like i was...so after a few months of not being able to stop feeling attracted to the other boys i decided the best thing i could do is make myself unattractive to them. i even started to lie to myself saying that i was going through a phase in life and that god would help me through it.

so by the age of 15 i had stopped doing any of the physical activity's i loved to do outside, and spiraled into a depression that i'm only now starting to overcome, i put on a lot of weight, and stopped caring for my physical appearance all together.

at the age of 18 i was 5ft 10in and was 280 pounds. by 19 6ft even 303 pounds. i had been to multiple therapist both from schools when i was younger and from my parents when i started homeschooling(i had asked to be home schooled because of social anxiety), but i was always afraid of telling them why i was depressed fearing that the therapist would tell my parents, so seeing no progress my parents stopped making me go.

about two months ago i moved from eau claire to green bay(about 3hrs away). i now live with a family that has been like a second family to me, they are much more open minded and have no religious standings. the person i consider a second mom is a type of person to always ask questions about peoples beliefs, and when she asked about my religions views on homosexuality i found myself stumbling over my own words. after a few conversations with her i slowly began to realize that maybe i don't need to suppress who i am. one week ago i started to let myself accept who i am, and four days ago i joined this site finding a ton of helpful loving people. since last week i have started to slowly lift myself up from the depressed state i was in for over 5 years and have already began to loose weight and feel good about myself(oddly enough without any thought or effort on my part to do so). i am currently in the process of writing a letter to my second mom to both tell her about me and to let her know just how much she has help me. it's a work in progress and i'm not sure when I'll be giving her the letter but I'll post again on here when i do and tell everyone how it went...but in the mean time i would like to thank everyone on here for making this such a great place to chat(even tho it is a porn site and not what i was expecting to find on here lol)

Comments

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11 years ago

I am so glad you have been able to come to terms at to who you are and what your sexuality is.There is no shame in being gay.Hope you find good friends to ahsre your life with xx

manoman13
11 years ago

Congrats for being able to "come to grips" with the reality of the situation! You are always going to be in my thoughts and prayers for great things ahead.

My true story is a little different but to some extent not totally. I am 58 yrs old, married for 26 yrs to a frigid woman. We have one 20 yr old Autistic son. I have honestly loved looking at boys ever since 5th grade. I was able to connect with a couple of school mates during junior high, but that was all. My single parent mother (dad died early on) was very INTOLERANT of anything other than "normalcy" so I have been in the closet forever. The marriage seemed like the "right thing to do" at the time and I have regreted it since almost immed. after the ceremony.

I know what I want, now I just have to see if I can find the courage to leave the lie and move out of the closet into the world I want. Complicating things are the fact that I had prostate cancer and now have ED with a barely 4 1/2" penis. Can things really get much worse?

11 years ago

sharks do not shit on dolly pardon. but having comfortable briefs is important.

11 years ago

Mike - Does Dolly Parton sleep om her back? Do sharks shit in the sea?

11 years ago

BSB,,,,was he gay or really happy?

BackStreetBoy
11 years ago

Dear Mike1946... You forgot Montgomery Clift.... :) have nice a nice weekend,
from Bangkok to Hollywood Hills :) hugs BSB

11 years ago

Thanks so much for sharing your story. You are not alone. Like Mike, I am older, born 1953. Grew up in a small town. Now I was abused by some older boys. But, I knew what I was. But at that time, I also new from reading things that being gay was considered a mental disorder. It wasn't until college that I really came to grips with who I was and could come to accept it.

This is a safe and for the most part a loving and caring community. Those of us that are older, besides admiring the younger physiques also are here to provide whatever wisdom we have learned on our on journey. You will quickly learn who the caring people are. They will reach out to you. And you can reach out to them.

You are a brave and from the sound of your blog and mature young man. Enjoy your journey in life. Good things will happen for you.

If you need a friend. I am here.

Thomas

k19k91
11 years ago

thank u for the warm welcome and extending hand russ

11 years ago

i just want to say welcome to GBT site..yor blog makes interesting reading..how yor mind can affect yor body and behavior..i am pleased to read that u have or beginning to overcome yor problems...well done!
if i can give u any advice just message me...and good luck!
Russ...

k19k91
11 years ago

thanks mike for commenting and sharing your story.

11 years ago

that is an amazing story and well written. you seem like a good guy, level headed, and very likeable person. self abuse hopefully is in the past. i was born in 1946. nobody was gay then.lol. the 50's had me looking at my friends and schoolmates. i never considered sex. by 17-18 i started dating girls. went into the navy for a little over 2 years.(reservist) i knew i was attracted to guys but couldn't try it. got married at 28. two and a half years later she wanted out. no kids. we had a good sex life til near the end. six months later (1977) at 31, i went to a gay bar. bingo. 1982 AIDS. shit. i fortunately didn't get aids but dramatically curtailed my sex life.