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Please forgive me, I was angry at the World.

Blog Last Activity 11 years ago 486 views 11 comments
Sunday May 27, was the day my father died. A day that started like any other but went on and on and never seemed to want to end. It was the longest and yet the shortest day of my life. And as the terror of it passed to memory so the hate grew and took it's place. Hate of those who came to the house to speak of his death, hate of those who may have been partly responsible, hate of those who saw him last, hate of everything. And most frightening of all was my hatred of him for leaving me. When I went to see him as he lay at rest in his coffin the look on his face made me smile. It was a look I was very familiar with and looking back it was an expression I am glad was his last. It was the look he gave when he was pissed off. I think it was a very fitting last look. One that I am happy to remember, because it's brought closure in a strange way. It's as if he knows he's dead and it pisses him off.

There are some things that Thomas and others have said to me lately that have brought me out of the shadows. They have managed to get through to me where my family and friends never quite could. The internet is a great tool and can be used for a multitude of things. In my case it has been a good counseling tool. I sought to escape from reallity into this virtual world where actions have no consequence and where it can end at the press of a button. Like the holodeck on the Enterprise, "computer, end programme". But actions have consequences and there is no place for rudeness nor unfriendly behaviour. So I offer my appologies to all those people I have rejected as friends. It was a very selfish attitude and a very immature attitude. There is a definate advantage to having virtual friends. It was my friends here in GBT that drew me out from the dark. It never really dawned on me that there was something wrong with my attitude to people in the real world untill I realised I was doing wrong here in cyberspace. My ginger friend said I had become more aggresive and distant, others mentioned the same. But I was oblivious till now. It was the message on my wall from thomas that knocked some sense into me.

Writing this blog has has certainly been good and has cleared my head and I can feel a weight lifted from me. I could easliy ramble on and on but I feel now that I have said I've been mistaken about the virtues of virtual friendships I feel better. The next thing I need to do is to drink less. My alcohol consumption has gone over the top. I have consumed nearly all of my fathers whisky. My motherr does not know how much he had. But I'm only 18 and my liver can recover...lol.

So, in closing this meassge/blog, I will stop rejecting friendship requests and thank Thomas et al for saving me from my demons.

Comments

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nate88
11 years ago

Hope you and your mates had fun last night and today is OK. -Andy

11 years ago

Dude I am proud of you, I know I dont know you well but I hope to get to know you much better. You sound like someone that your father would be proud of

nate88
11 years ago

PROUD of you. You got my PM -Andy

11 years ago

Fearless, I know I was a doubting thomas about you at first but I believe you will be a fine man. you are well on your way. Just remember what you father instilled in you and keep him close to your heart.Respect is never given is must be earned, you have mine now. You young whippersnapper. Next time your in the states come and see an old buzzard and I'll show you the sights ( non sexual but as a friend)

onlyinvegas
11 years ago

hey fearless, dont worry about it. everyone here has had bad days. like all friend no one sees eye to eye on all subject matter. I always like reading your post so just keep being you.

11 years ago

Sorry to read all this fearless hugs seems a tough few months for you. Mandela was a terrorist and 27 years in prison for that aint exactly excessive in my opinion - more a matter of whethr his victims forgave him not the other way round.

11 years ago

When I was shitting my nappies a remarkable man became a legend in his own lifetime......he has become an inspiration to millions. I still cannot come to terms with his ability to forgive. Nelson Mandela “ As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

11 years ago

These are lovely words mate. I'm pleased that you now know you have lots of support from guys on this site - special guys like Thomas! And Thomas, my hat off to you buddy for showing fearless that there is a better path to take. I think it would have been very easy for this special guy to have taken a far darker pathway in life.

11 years ago

And I neglected to say one thing..you did this...all I did was open my heart to you, so that you could open yours to others...Thomas

11 years ago

Fearless....and you are fearless....I appreciate your kind words. And I know what it took for you to say what you just did to the world here. First...let me hug you...for I know the pain you feel...it is real...but it makes you alive....Second, and I know I will sound parental...and that is not how I mean it...I am proud of you...you stood proud, took responsibility and moved forward....You know I am here for you....and know in your heart...you have taken the first steps on your journey...and a strong and passionate man...don't lose that...just temper it with your heart...because it is filled with love...not anger....Hugs my friend...Thomas xxooxxoo

11 years ago

It was a pvt msg from Thomas, sorry, not on my wall.