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Out of Sorts

Blog Last Activity 11 years ago 676 views 18 comments
The last few weeks I have had a sense of estrangement or disconnect from the community here. I communicate with my friends and them with me, but it somehow has felt empty to my inside. And I do not blame my friends or the community. It is probably my own over sensitivity to tone and actions. Or just the early stages of old age.

I have shared more of my life here than I have with anyone else in the world. Including my class mates at I pursued by masters in psychology, which included an awful lot of sharing. I don’t regret having shared any of it. And if, in some way by sharing it helped someone see their own life better, I am a better person for having done it. But at the same time, I often feel that I don’t fit here. Maybe it is the age thing…hell for many of you I am as older than your parents and could be as old as your grandparents. And at the same time, you all make my feel young again. And your acceptance of me as a friend has been remarkable.

I realize I am rambling here, perhaps I am in a stream of conscious moment, but I don’t have another place to put today. I don’t have a place to share that I am comforted by the friendships here….and at the same time feeling dislocation. And maybe it is because, here, I always try to be the strong caring supportive listening person….and today…I needed someone to listen to me.

So, I am going to post this. It is a rambling and incoherent thing, but I needed to get it out of my mind and as the Gestalt would say….PUBLISH IT.
So thanks for reading…comments not expected, required or needed.

Thomas

Comments

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11 years ago

First rambling is a good way to relive mental stress. Second the site is what you make of it, you can get all caught up in the drama or blow by it like it never was said or happened. Third I do appreciate your comments on my blogs, I suggest a shot or two of some good Scotch works for me when I am stressing lol.
Have a great day Tolead

11 years ago

# 1 you state that you have masters in psychology.....#2 natee88 comments page 2 4 days ago...i quote you..."maybe i should set up an alter ego"....." i'm feeling diabolical at the moment"......so what is real??? the only reason anybody has ill feelings for me on this site i call them out....just like jed clampett

11 years ago

First, thank you all for your comments. And I do mean all of the comments. I would not have put this out there if I was not ready to hear what everyone might want to say. I am deeply moved by the very kind things many of you said. They mean a great deal to me, because I do believe this is a community of kindred spirits. Some here just for porn...and some here for other things...and it is all good.

I had a day where I didn't feel good about me. We all have them. I usually just journal and move on. Yesterday, it stuck with me. In my background, when it is stuck, you share it in what I learned as a safe container. A place with people that you trust, so that you can let the issue out...as I said in the Gestalt view it is called publishing. So I did that. And as the day went on, I revised and shared more about why and how I felt that way. And I got more feedback. And I appreciate all of it, and I do mean all of it.

So today, where am I. First I am humbled by what many of you said. Second, I feel free of the weight that I created for myself. When arrick1993 said "Thomas, I think you are one of the most revered and respected members of our community." first I was embarrassed and then I felt proud...but with that came that part of my issue was that I was presenting only part of my self. I am just a regular guy...with a few years under his belt...but still none the less just a regular person. And, I needed this community to know that. I come with the same fears, blemishes and issues we all have....and sometimes, I am not wise...sometimes I need the wisdom of others.

So I thank you all for helping me through a crappy day....And now...I need to get busy...I have some porn to watch :) Thomas

11 years ago

Coming up on the end of one of the best days I have had but it would not be complete until I leave this with you. Scotty has already said it very simply and very well, you are one of the people that make this place a place worth coming to. If it were not for you and a few others the social aspects of this site would not be what they are and that would be a big loss, you’re what makes it worthy for me. When I finally created an account here you were the 2nd friend I had on here and since meeting I have shared more with you than anyone. Since meeting a lot of things have happened with me, found a boyfriend and REAL love, got out of a bad job into a good one, come out to my family and truly become a better person, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that so many positive things have happened since meeting you. As we corresponded I let you more and more into my life, I didn’t let you in to be kind and patronizing to you, I didn’t let you in by accident, I made the decision to let you in because I wanted you there, and its one of the best decisions I have made.

11 years ago

hope you feel better soon..mike,,hugs

JohnnyBoy20012
JohnnyBoy20012
11 years ago

Yes Scotty is so right Thomas is one special person on this site and grateful to be friends with him. Super big hugs for Thomas for making this site special for me too. I love everyone here.

11 years ago

haha@scotty96 - well said babe!

scotty96
scotty96
11 years ago

hey im not on here as much as i used to be but i want to tell you that you are one of the guys here who makes this place special and a place worth coming to. you are always nice to people and make people feel good and that payalot guy can just kiss everybodys ass.

Davey1965
Davey1965
11 years ago

Where used to Payalot.No love,No emotion and a heart of stone.

11 years ago

Payalot10, what does age have to do with feeling insecure sometimes? Anyone can feel that way at any age. Just because you reach a certain age, you don't turn to stone. So, grow a "heart" and get over it.

11 years ago

Thanx for sharing how you felt this morning my friend. You just needed to let it out I guess. You are not the rock of Gibraltar my friend and today you show us a bit of your vulnerability. I’m very touched to hear you as a normal human being wondering about himself. I want to tell you that I’m becoming dependent of your morning posts on my wall... You’re certainly one of the reason I am still on GBT today and you’re not a porn vids ;-))) As i grow older myself I need to hear and talk to guys like you, older buddies and men of enlightening thoughts. I’m so grateful to have read your rambling and incoherent thing today Thomas cause I feel closer to you than I’ve ever felt before. Luv ya and have this BIG HUGZ XOXOXO

11 years ago

grow a set...everybody has bad days i too was a caretaker for my parents....thats what children are suppose to do. get over it... you seem to care more about your expensive loafers....you throw the love word around these blogs till it dosent have any meaning left.....so you might not look 25 ....ACT YOUR AGE AND GROW A SET.....i'll bet your life isnt that bad.

11 years ago

hey Thomas, you are here with great supportive advise for us all, and we appreciate you for that my friend. If you are having a "down" day, don't think we don't care - WE ALL DO!!!! and we all have those days at some point. If you want to do a little self pity rant, thats fine by me, I know the day will move on and you will feel better (which it looks like has happened) So hugs buddy.
BTW, I know how you feel when looking in the mirror, I have a very young mind, it's just the bloody shell thats getting old and tatty (lol).

11 years ago

First let me thank you guys for your kind words and thoughts. They are deeply appreciated. And now that I am a better place than I was when I wrote the above, let me try to create some perspective. When I woke up this morning, and looked at myself in the mirror, I saw myself as the age I am, 59. Now I know age is just a number, and frankly all of you here and my friends in my rw life, treat me like I was still a virile young man...and frankly most of the time I feel that way. But this morning I didn't. But, no big deal, or so I thought. I came to GBT, did my usual round of looking at blogs, and either adding my thoughts or sending a pm if I thought it more appropriate. The Morning moved on, I did some work stuff...came back to GBT...I guess looking for some affirmation...and low and behold...there really wasn't any...and I got to thinking was I becoming dependent on here to feel good about me...and I started to kind sink into some self-pity. (Jed you should have just bitch slapped me and told me to stop whining..hehe). And at the same time this was going on in my head, my heart was filled with some wonderful news that had been shared with me yesterday, that made me feel good. But I digress. I try really hard here to be a supportive and giving person, and frankly being a giver is or at least never used to be my normal pattern. In my life, in my career, I was pretty notorious for arrogance and clawing my way through to win...at any cost...I once had an associate tell me that I got to the top by planting my very expense Italian loafers in the backs of everyone in front of me...and I kind of relished the image at the time. But as I have matured, and learned to be a caretaker as I watched my Father succumb to Alzheimer's and not know me any more...and then die...and watch my Mother slowly fade away after his death...and to have my beloved partner lose his mobility, I have learned about patience and what real love is. But this morning, I was feeling empty...so I wrote a stupid blog entry so I could feel better about me. and now I am in a better place...I have learned something about me...I think I am stronger for it..and have a better perspective. So thank you all...I am here to stay, and I hope that what I do going forward, has some positive impact for someone. Thanks for listening...Thomas

nate88
nate88
11 years ago

I'm PMing you Thomas. You are a very dear friend. Andy XO

11 years ago

Thomas, I think you are one of the most revered and respected members of our community. I think you fit perfectly well here and see no reason for you to feel otherwise. We need smart, reasonable people who have the wisdom of a full life to be there when we need advice or to show us another viewpoint. So consider this my wholehearted endorsement for all that you do, say and stand for. Keep the faith and keep coming back!

11 years ago

Thomas, sorry I have not been here for you, mother nature just kicked me in the balls. I do consider you one of the best people I know since I found this place. You are wise and intelligent and very level headed. Unlike an old hot head like me.

onlyinvegas
onlyinvegas
11 years ago

Hey Thomas, No need to worry about aged here. Its always nice to have an outlet to release some neg energy or to find some positive motivation. Thx for opening up on anything you have to put out. Stay strong stay positive. There will come a time in every persons life that they will need a place to be open. I'm glad this site is here for all of us.... best regards joe