's Blogs

OK i give up! I'm starting a new blog. Nick if you read this please delete this thread.

my heart

Hi Guys, Ok so most of you know i'm going through a rough patch in my life, but im not sure where to start... maybe from the start. All my life i knew i was into guys, as a young boy i was always looking at other boys in my class, i was always showing myself off to the other boys, it felt natural to me. when i was about 8 i was (um lets put it this way) exposed to sexual activity that i was not mature enough to handle. as i grew older and as i was becoming a teenager i started to understand what i had been exposed to and understand how gay people were viewed in the community. From the age of 13-14 i blamed the person that i did stuff with for making me like guys, depression set in, so to suppress my feelings i started to drinking daily, steeling and lots of other illegal stuff. when i was 13, 14 and 16 years old I attempted suicide. When I was 19 I finally stopped drinking due to ending up in hospital with alcohol poisoning after drinking allot of beer and sculling 2lts of Black sambuca. This was the start of a new life for me, I left all my friends behind, of the 3 close mates I had during those years one is in jail for doing a ram raid on a factory that I was meant to help with, one died from a drug overdose and I have no idea about the last one. I found new friends that to this day are my closest friends, but only one of them I have told that I’m bisexual. Once I started my new life I started to explore my sexuality and find out who I was, when I was about 25 I became very fond of a girl, we soon became very close, a few months went by and one day she was using my computer when I was out, she came across a internet history search bar that I had forgotten to delete. She found out my secret. A couple days later she confronted me about it, my heart

Ok don't worry about everything that is below here! I'll try uploading it again but you'll have to follow it from here up. Sorry but its not my fault.

OMG only a few minutes ago i was crying now i'm so pissed that its not uploading properly

But my world slowly started to crumble, I started to doubt myself as a father, what if I ended up treating this little girl as my father treated me, a world without love and full of anger. I started to hate myself again, I started to have suicidal thoughts again and I even planned out not my death but how I could support my wife

But last Thursday my world started to come crashing down, I started to realise that I was no longer sexually attracted to the love of my life and that this is not who I am. I’m not bisexual I am gay, I hated myself for falling in love with my wife and the position I’m now putting her in, it’s not fair on her that I love her but I can’t be a good husband to her or a good father to my daughter. I’ve brought them into my fantasy world of how a man should be in society. Last night we sat down and had a long talk about me and where I’m at. We cried lots and we embraced each other knowing that things had to change, or I’ll never be out of this dark world I had got us into. She loves me so much and she knows that she has to let me go, and I know that I have to hurt her for me to be happy. Its just so confusing, we both love each other so much but for me I don’t feel the warmth when we hug anymore. I feel so numb all the time, my world is so dark and lonely. To my dear wife I’m soooo sorry, I want to be the man you married, the man you fell in love with but I can’t. It’s just tearing me up inside, it tears me up knowing how much I’ve hurt you and how much I have failed you. Im sorry guys but I can’t go on. I need to leave it there.

why is it so hard to post something! i type it out and only a small part is posted. let me try that again

Hi Guys, Ok so most of you know i'm going through a rough patch in my life, but im not sure where to start... maybe from the start. All my life i knew i was into guys, as a young boy i was always looking at other boys in my class, i was always showing myself off to the other boys, it felt natural to me. when i was about 8 i was (um lets put it this way) exposed to sexual activity that i was not mature enough to handle. as i grew older and as i was becoming a teenager i started to understand what i had been exposed to and understand how gay people were viewed in the community. From the age of 13-14 i blamed the person that i did stuff with for making me like guys, depression set in, so to suppress my feelings i started to drinking daily, steeling and lots of other illegal stuff. when i was 13, 14 and 16 years old I attempted suicide. When I was 19 I finally stopped drinking due to ending up in hospital with alcohol poisoning after drinking allot of beer and sculling 2lts of Black sambuca. This was the start of a new life for me, I left all my friends behind, of the 3 close mates I had during those years one is in jail for doing a ram raid on a factory that I was meant to help with, one died from a drug overdose and I have no idea about the last one. I found new friends that to this day are my closest friends, but only one of them I have told that I’m bisexual. Once I started my new life I started to explore my sexuality and find out who I was, when I was about 25 I became very fond of a girl, we soon became very close, a few months went by and one day she was using my computer when I was out, she came across a internet history search bar that I had forgotten to delete. She found out my secret. A couple days later she confronted me about it, my heart