maxumillion21's Blogs

FUCK iT!

maxumillion21 Blog Last Activity 10 years ago 490 views 5 comments
<p>My entire life I have pretended to be the perfect straight little boy, "the nice kid." When I got to college and my strong desire for sexual release begin to burn within me, masterbation was not enough. I have put peanut butter on my balls and letting a dog lick me. I have bought diapers soaked them with warm water and made a small hole and fuck the living shit out of them. I have stuck pens up my butt. The craziest things would come in to my young horny mind. Everytime I watched porn I would repeatedly come to Gayboystube.com my favorite website so far. I check on it everyday to see whats new. My favorite is seeing young smooth boys, because it reminds me of me discovering the beautiful sensation of jerking off, and I wish I had a buddy to have fun with. Think about it masterbation is a private, secret, taboo subject, and if it is ever publically discussed it is framed as a joke!</p>
<p>After many years of trying to be a perfectionist, and realizing I had no friends. My weekends and school days I spent at the university I spent a lot of time by myself. As if hidding because I am scared to tell people the truth. I do not like the feeling of people calling me names, looking down upon me, telling me I'm the devil, or making it appear as if Im some kind of hideous monster. The secret I have been hiding for 22 years is really eating at at me, if I dont tell someone I will continue to suffer from anxiety, depression, onlyness. Yet fear prevents me from telling! Everyone I know describe homosexuals as undesirables.</p>
<p>The truth is I am GAY. Sexually curious I would say, because I still havent lost my virginity. I dont know why I am ashamed. I am scared and lonely, so any hatred comments from anyone even the slightest one will make me hate myselfs for eveolving into a kind hearted person who simply wanted another man to be there for him, instead of a woman. I am a shy person, who feels socially awkward, im the nerd with glasses who never had a father.

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BATTLEFIELD3
BATTLEFIELD3
10 years ago

Yes, a GLBT support group is a good place to start. They may have a special group for people dealing with "coming out" issues. If anxiety, depression and shame make it difficult to socialize, it would be a good idea to get professional individual counseling as well. Getting help for yourself is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of.

10 years ago

Thank you for sharing this, Max. You're definately not alone (I agree with Tolead and Batmanseeksrobin). You're amongst friends here who WILL care about you if you talk about it. Heck... I'm a nerd who wears glasses so please don't run yourself down!! I was very, very shy when I joined this site... and thanks to the many friends I can now be myself. If I am unwell, they're there to pick me up. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of either. I'm sure you are a kind hearted person with a wonderful sense of humour, and you will find someone who loves you for that. Just be yourself... be true about things and don't worry about things ;)

10 years ago

I didn't know dogs like peanut butter

10 years ago

The first hurdle is coming to terms with your self what you are, and it appears you have done that..There is nothing wrong with you my friend and you have nothing to feel ashamed of or feel guilty about. All of us here at some point had to deal with this, so you are not alone. Please talk it out and you are under no obligation to tell anyone if you feel uncomfortable or perhaps afraid of how they might act. Be you have fun with those that are supportive and fuck all the haters ignore them. Don't let them win putting you down, walk away and ignore them ok? If you need to talk private me glad to talk hugz paparon xoxo

10 years ago

Max...you are not alone in how you feel. For so many the transition to first accepting who you are is hard and it is lonely. To take the next step seems almost insurmountable. But it can be done. A place to start is a local GLBT center. One associated with the University you attend or attended. They will have people there that you can share you story with. Not people that will judge, but will help you to affirm that you are a normal healthy and wonderful gay man. I urge you to find such a place. You are not alone. Not here, and not in the real world as well. There are people that can support and help you through the journey. PM me or email me at tolead@sbcglobal.net or on yahoo or skype at the same ID. I am not going to tell you it will be easy and there won't be some bumps. But taking this step is better than where you are now....Hugs...Thomas xxooxxoo