hector460's Blogs

<p>Hey guys, this is going to be a long post, sorry.<br /><br />The basic theme is not knowing if/how/when I should come out, if you're going to give me advice, please read the whole post.<br /><br />My grandmother is one of the most supportive people I've ever met. She always tells me "If it makes you happy and it doesn't hurt anybody, do it." She was adopted but 28 years ago she found out she had two sisters, Paula and Dana. They lived in Columbus and we're in Pittsburgh and even though the distance was long, they would always visit my Grandma and vice-versa. Well one day when I was like 7 or 8 we went up to Columbus to visit Dana and her husband Curt. I always knew them as my aunts and uncles, even though they're technically my great aunts and great uncles. Well during our visit Dana and Curt took me to the YMCA or a similar type of gym to go swimming. After we were done swimming Curt took me into the locker room to get dressed and this was the first time I'd seen a grown man naked. I don't know if it's normal for little kids to ask why men have hair down there and stuff but I did, and without getting too graphic Curt ended up molesting me and taking advantage of me sexually. I know that seems random, but it was my first sexual encounter and I think it led to me being gay. I could be wrong.<br /><br />Jump ahead to middle-school, I've known I was gay since the end of Elementary School but I've never told anybody. In middle-school I pretty much took an interest in everything that fit the gay stero-type: musical theatre, singing, dancing, art, other cultures, languages, clothes, stuff like that. I got bullied a lot, and it was really physical. My bully, DJ, and his friends would punch and kick me, spit on me, knock stuff out of my hands... I had to go to the hospital 8 times throughout middleschool for broken bones or stitches. My parents are very right-wing conservatives. My dad was an Army Ranger for a long time and now he's a stone mason who owns his own business, my entire life was filled with gay slurs and him telling our family that gay people were abominations of the Lord. I'm religious, but I think we should love everybody equally, not based on gender. My mom, I know, would accept me no matter what, but thinks that no matter a man's interest he has a duty to be strong and show no signs of weakness. I know it doesn't sound like I'm describing real people, but that's honestly how they are. So whenever I'd come home bruised or bleeding, they'd do whatever they could to take care of it without going to the hospital. If I did have to go, they'd make me promise to tell the people I got hurt by an accident, not by being beaten up. After DJ bruised a couple of my ribs, my dad enrolled me in three karate classes, Krav Maga, Judo and Tae-Kwon-Do. After around a year of these classes every day my dad threatened to make me stop taking them if I didn't fight DJ, and I really enjoyed the classes so I decided to fight him. It wasn't a gigantic event but I fought DJ and won and he didn't pick on me for the rest of the year.<br /><br />Bringing us to high-school. A couple of kids on the football team (this entire story sounds like a cliche) heard about the fight and really wanted to meet me so they approached me on the first day of school in my freshman year. After some badgering I sat down with them and explained what happened. I was a mess and cried the entire time I told the story. To my surprise it didn't bother them, they didn't think I was weird, and one of the girls that sat with them even started crying too. After I was done with the story they didn't say much, but for the rest of the day they would say hello to me in the halls and stuff. It was the first time a peer of mine went out of the way to talk to me. The next day, I tried to sit alone, but they sat with me, and over time we all became really, really good friends. Since, like most schools, ours was practically run by the football team this made me one of the cool kids. Long story short (I know, too late), I spent the rest of my time in high-school being one of the popular kids: homecoming king, most likely to succeed, class clown, lead in two musicals, student council, you get the picture. I was in the drama club and the band, and I had a lot of crushes on guys, but I also had a lot of girlfriends.<br /><br />So before the end of my senior year I had quite a few girlfriends, but I had never been in love with a girl, and I was a virgin. I hated myself for being gay and I thought I could force it away by being with a woman, so I asked my girlfriend at the time if she'd be willing to fool around with me that night and she agreed. She blew me and it was nice and all, but I could force myself to have sex with her, I simply wasn't attracted to her. It didn't work, obviously.<br /><br />Then college came and I seriously fell in love with a chubby ginger boy named Alex. One of the first times we met he asked me if I wanted to cuddle. I pretended to be weirded out by the question but ultimately made a joke out of it and agreed. We became best friends and were inseperable. I spent more time in his room than in mine, we cuddled a lot, we worked out together and the first time I saw him naked, I knew that I couldn't change that I was gay. After about a year of being best friends he said I was weirding him out and spending way too much time with him and in a dramatic scene, we stopped being friends. It was the most crushing feeling I'd ever felt and in a way, I'm still in love with him.<br /><br />This brings us to the present. The reason I wrote all this is to illustrate the problems I'm having with coming out. I have tons of friends, in the amount of time it took me to write this I've missed 9 text messages from all different people. A lot of them are really weirded out by gay people and one of them has even told me he'd disown me if he knew I was gay. My dad and I are really close, but he literally hates gay people. I never told anybody about Curt molesting me and I want too, but I know my Grandma loves Dana and Curt so much and that she'd disown them if she knew. I don't know what to do guys, but I feel like a spy in a foreign place full of people who hate the place I come from. The gay place.<br /><br />I need help,<br />Hec.</p>