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These four things can kill a relationship.
The Four Horsemen
Criticism – Complaints are fine. Criticism is more global — it attacks the person, not their behavior. They didn’t take out the garbage because they forgot, but because they’re a bad person.
Contempt – “…name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”
Defensiveness – “…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’ Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.”
Stonewalling – Tuning out. Disengaging. This doesn’t just remove the person from the conflict, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship.
How can he tell who will split up? There are a number of indicators but at the core of Gottman’s research are ” The Four Horsemen.” These are the four things that indicate a marriage apocalypse is on its way:
Criticism – Complaints are fine. Criticism is more global — it attacks the person, not their behavior. They didn’t take out the garbage because they forgot, but because they’re a bad person.
Contempt – “…name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.”
Defensiveness – “…defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’ Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.”
Stonewalling – Tuning out. Disengaging. This doesn’t just remove the person from the conflict, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship.
Compromise, compromise compromise......:)
In my relationships I've found an odd sort of balance is necessary to keep it going. My rule number 1 is that I don't try to change a boyfriend, I take him as he is or nothing would have started to begin with, and I don't want him to try and change me either. If I get the feeling there's some script he's trying to get me to play along with, or if he's trying to take the basic me and create some 'improved' version of that, things sour. Yet conversely, I am actually always trying to evolve in various ways and I like guys who are doing the same, as long as I get to choose my own evolution and leave him completely free to choose his. Basically, I like freedom and respect freedom in others. Anything in a relationship that starts to limit a feeling of being free, beyond the normal mutually respectful compromises, is usually the beginning of the end.
And it doesn't take all four to doom a relationship. And it is the persistence of the behavior that is the killer.
You having relationship problems?
#5 - Finding texts that indicate your spouse has not been faithful.
#6 - Finding your spouses profile on GBT, indicating that they are single.
#7 - Suspicious cell phone calls from "someone at work."
#8 - Meeting Hunter Geurink in a gay bar.