I am in a squat in inner city London. It’s mostly filled with hot Eastern European men. All with different facial structures, but mostly strong jaws. One Polish guy has the nicest male body I have ever seen. I’m twitching in my pants just thinking about it.
Anyway, being here has given me time to reflect on my sexuality. I’m not happy with my sexual life. I have a very specific type. Hot. Twink. I have been told I am a sexy mofo many times, but never believed it. I love the idea of two young men at their physical peak, horny as hell from the mere sight of each other. Rock-hard dicks skull-fucking mouths. A horny bottom pre-cumming all over his torso whilst getting fucked in missionary position by a toned top. Love iiit.
But it’s all fantasy. I see a hot guy I would do, but then as soon as I get to know him I don’t want to fuck him. I feel like I’m forcing myself to embark on gay activities. It’s as though I’d rather just stare and admire his body (or… wank over the beauty of his face and torso).
As I get older, I see less of a future with men because I am not interested in older men (as in over 25). And I am only interested in the physical appearance of a young man. It’s a fantasy that I have been, and will, at least for now, continue to pursue. I want to get my fair share of boys before I’m too old. I’m 22. But after that, if the moment comes, what will I do? Will I attempt to go for women? I feel like I have been trying to fill a gap in my past where I got a taste of women, but not enough, and due to anxiety with and a stronger sexual attraction for men, I may as well go for men.
Then it turns out men are just as complicated and fucked up as women. I never see a long-term future with guys I’ve been with. So, if I have to go for one, it may as well be women. I feel like I will get more out of a long-term relationship with a woman. I want so much out of life, and men don’t seem to be in the long-term equation.
Now, I have spent the last four years of my life travelling, learning and having fun. I don’t care about what society thinks. I’m not afraid of being gay, but something is still missing. Is it women? Am I delusional? Does anyone else experience this?